I am a data researcher and I worked in a company for 12 years. 3 years ago my boss hired many younger staff to do the same job that I was doing. I worried that they were faster and more efficient than me and I remember thinking that I could lose my job. I started to have panic attacks and thought they were because of work-pressure. In April 2019, I had a major breakdown after my mother’s death. I became angry, and frustrated, even over small matters. I was shouting at my family and sometimes I would cry out of the blue. I could not understand why I didn’t like myself. I didn’t trust anyone. Not even my own wife.
I felt that everyone was laughing at me at work. I felt stupid and didn’t have the confidence to do my job well. I got angry with my colleagues and start picking fights and shouting in the office. Some days I would hide in my car so no one could see me. Then I started calling to say I was sick and taking many days of sick leave. Finally, of course, I lost my job because I was so unstable.
I was frustrated and started to get violent at home with my wife and one day I even beat my 8 year old son with my belt. I felt really bad about it and I hated myself. My wife finally said she would take my children and leave me if I didn’t change. I realized that I needed help but I couldn’t afford to pay for any therapy or counselling. As a last resort, I called a hotline for depression.
While talking to the person who helped me for over a month, I realized that I was suffering from depression, but it took some time for my wife and family to take this seriously. They did not understand the disciplines that I had to follow, just to get better. Food, exercise, quiet time alone, time for my support call, time to just relax with people that I care for and trust.
Now I am slowly feeling more in control of myself. I still have panic attacks but not very often. I am able to work again and that is very important for me.
